she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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