you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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