you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
