She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
