when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
