somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
