i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
