Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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