We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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