I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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