i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
