what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
