I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
