Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
