oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
