when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
