Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
