i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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