How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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