You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just pynch a tree in the face
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Pants are for mortals
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
