This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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