Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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