I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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