I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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