dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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