The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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