Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
