You're so nebulous sometimes
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
