yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
