There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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