i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
