Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Your penis caused this!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
