There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
