i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it was like his penis was on wheels.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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