after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
