I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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