Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I love you.
Bad choice
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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