id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
