I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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