My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
