Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
