I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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