Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
