don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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