On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
