how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
