Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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