i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
