On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
