I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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