you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
