Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
