you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
