We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
