Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
