I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
