I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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