do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
