why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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