don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
