I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
