I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
